This guide is based on the LOLcat Bible's "How to speak lolcat" page. My Guide to LOLspeak is intended to be both simpler and more comprehensive. I added a bunch of things that I consider must-haves for a lolspeak guide, deleted others that were not very helpful, and copied many of the better examples.
First of all LOLspeak is NOT txtspeak. TxtSpeak's purpose is to shorten the amount of keys needed to get the message across. LOLspeak is how we imagine cats would talk if they could. Think baby talk, but with a cat flair.
In LOLspeak, a lot of words are misspelled, but according to rules and patterns, not just randomly. However, even though there are rules, there is often more than one correct spelling of a word.
Some words are "misspelled" to look like homonyms.
ghost = ghoast (changed o to oa, as in the rhyming word "coast")
crowd = croud (changed ow to ou, as in the rhyming word "loud")
When doing this, it's important to avoid changing the spelling of a word to something that would produce the correct spelling of another word, like "made" and "maid". In some cases it's best to just use the correct English spelling.
Some of the best lols are written in plain English, so don't feel that you *have* to misspell every word.
Common patterns for altered spelling:
"eye" sounds are almost always written as "ai", while "ight" changes to "ite".
hi = hai
light = lite
night = nite
Words ending in a consonant + silent E often exchange the last two letters.
kite = kiet
like = liek
bake = baek
plate = plaet
There are exceptions to this rule, like "dude" which is written as "dood" or "d00d".
Words that end in -er drop the the E or replace it with U.
over = ovur, ovr
The -y ending is often changed to -eh.
kitty = kitteh
funny = funneh
baby = baybeh, behbeh
TH sounds are usually replaced with F, but can occasionally be replaced with TT or DD.
nothing = nofin, nuttin
with = wif
The -ing ending often drops the G.
nothing = nofin
going = goin
Add -d or -ed to atypical spellings of past-tense verbs.
made = made
ate = eated
felt = feeled
Switch -le endings to -el.
little = littel
handle = handel
A plural ending (usually "s", occasionally "z") is added to words that are very important. (borrowing from popular usage in "internets/interwebs")
Earth = Urfs
Eternity = eternitys
food = foodz
I = I or ai ("I" is more common)
I am = Iz
me = meh
my = mah or mai
you = yu or U
plural you = yuz (never Uz)
them = dem
Single letter pronouns ("U" and "I") are always capital.
"Iz" also needs a capital I.
"Iz" is a contraction for "I iz" (like "I'm" for "I am"), but the expanded "I iz" is never used (except maybe by n00bs).
human = hoomin
dog = goggie
nao = now
teh = the
give = gib
eat = nom
food = nomz (foodz is acceptable but very rare) Both nomz and foodz have the -z ending because nomz is important!
Yep, nom is both noun and verb: "I nom da caek" and "gib me nomz!" However, the past tense of nom is eated, as in, "I baked you a caek but I eated it."
O hai! (The ! is very much a part of the phrase.) The greeting for every occasion. "greetingz" can be used for an evil-overlord-type caption, but other than that, it's always "O hai!"
kthnx (! optional) This is sometimes placed at the end of a request, obligating the recipient to fulfil the request, since the cat already said thank you.
For a human example, think of the coworker who says, "Would you mind making 20 copies of this for me?" then quickly adds "Thanks, you're great!" before you have a chance to say no.
Use thnxbai or kthxbai when ending a conversation. This can be a way to have the last word and prevent any objections to what was said before, making it final. Ex: Iz taking ur car for drive round teh block. kthxbai.
kthnx, kthnxbai, and thnxbai are usually interchangeable, so use whichever one sounds best. Just "thnx" is never used by itself, though.
DO NOT WANT! This is for times when you are faced with something very very bad, like a bath. This expression stands on it's own; that is, don't say "do not want bath!"; just "do not want" is sufficient. If you're putting this caption on a picture that involves a bathtub, it's self-explanatory.
A lolcat never says, "let me show you my..." or "I have your..." Instead, say it like this:
mah [noun], let me show U it. (If plural, let me show you dem). Ex: mah contempt, let me show you it.
your [noun], I has it. See example. Or just: [noun], I has it. See example.
You can start with "I has" when it's "I has A something" Ex: I has a bunneh. Or: I has a happy
Emotions are often used like this, with the adjective becoming a noun. Some more examples: Happy cat has run out of happy. Or: You makes my sad go away.
Other common phrases:
[verb] you're doin it rite (or wrong, as the case may be). For this one you really need pictures. Example of "doing it rite" and one of "doin it wrong".
I'm in your [noun], [verb-ing] your [noun]. In this expression, always use the English "I'm". Ex: I'm in your backpack, eating your homework.
And perhaps the most important phrase:
I can has [noun]? (Question mark optional; it's actually more common to leave it out.) The simple translation would be "Can I have..." but the LOLspeak phrase is more than that; it shows a strong desire for something, "I really want..." as opposed to something like "Can I have the salt?" So when a lolcat says "I can has cheezburger" you know that he's *really* longing for that epitome of all foods.
That's pretty much it! Have fun captioning!